March 2005
30 posts
things heard in a comic book store
I’m starting a new feature. I go to the comic book store every week. I, however, am that rare cool guy hanging out in the comic book store. Also known as, the guy lying to himself. Invariably, ever week or so, I hear something really stupid or nerdy being said in the comic book store. I will post these comments on my blog for your enjoyment. Well, actually, for my enjoyment. You guys can all...
reader poll
Okay, so I’m reading this book called Sex, Drugs, and Coaco Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. It’s a series of pop culture related essays and it’s better than the title would make you think. Except when it’s not. Anyway, there’s this section where he list a bunch of questions that he asks everyone he meets to see if he can love them or not. I thought the following question...
!!!
My dad just fell asleep at his desk. This has never happened in the history of recorded history.
idea
It’s gorgeous outside today. Let’s all go outside and work with our shirts off.
1 tag
bp's no-good, rotten, bad day
B.P. Gonzizzle had a bad day yesterday.
He, Double S, and I are sitting in church, the service ends, and for no apparent reason, he drops his coffee cup. It lands straight up, causing the coffee to shoot out of it like a volcano. It shot up into his face and got on everyone around him. Luckily, it wasn’t hot.
Then later that night, UK loses. Obviously, this wasn’t just bad for B.P....
didn't even have to use my AK
Yesterday was a good day. I had a good day at work. I got to talk to a friend I haven’t heard from in a while. I got to see Sunday Valley play a show at CD Central. I went to Kitty’s and some chick was doing a Miller Lite promotion and bought all three of my beers. I found my birthday presents (see next post down). And I slept like a baby last night.
The Sunday Valley show was really...
now it can be told
This is a story that couldn’t be told until now. It’s a story about why Kitty O’Shea’s is such a great bar and a story of why I’m such a horrible friend.
Saturday night, I had a little birthday party at Kitty O’ Shea’s. A couple of friend brought me gifts. My friend Sara brought me a couple of CD’s. One was a Bright Eyes cd and one was a mixtape....
writing
Writing for the Harlan Daily is the first real writing deadline I’ve ever had to contend with. To keep out of trouble I try to keep five or six columns ahead all the time. Prior to last night I hadn’t written anything in a couple of weeks. Writer’s block. Then last night, something popped and stuff started falling out of my head. Finished a column about meeting women and started...
reader poll
To my male readers: What’s the sexiest thing a woman can wear?
To my female readers: What’s the sexiest thing a man can wear?
To my sperm whale readers: Eeeeeeeooooooo eeeeeee oooooo eeoooo?
I’ll start the ball rolling by saying there’s nothing sexier than a woman wearing a man’s dress shirt. Like to sleep in, I mean. Not like as a part of an outfit or something....
help
I just got fired. Okay, not really. I work for my dad. If he fires me, my mom will kill him. But what if I did get fired? What job should I work next? I need your opinions.
gossip
Because I’m bored, I’ve decided to write about my weekend in the form of a Hollywood gossip columnist.
-What local bachelor recently found out about scandalous drama taking place behind the scenes at his favorite restaraunt. Gambling problems, backstabbing, and sleeping around. If sushi could talk…
-Speaking of scandal, imagine said bachelor’s suprise when a friend of...
thank you
I had a birthday party this weekend. I don’t have time to send out thank-you notes, so please fill your name in the note below and circle the choices that are appropriate to you.
Dear______________
Thank you for coming to my birthday party. You really helped to make it a good time. It was hilarious when you (a. fell, b. made out with P.Dirty, c. spent the whole night watching the UK...
The following conversation took place between me and one of my best friends in Lexington's most scandalous sushi joint yesterday. It is reposted here to show you all that crazy people walk among us every day and sometimes you can't tell until they open their mouth and something insane comes out. Parts of this conversation have been rewritten to make me seem cooler.
Me: I can't wait to see Sin City.
Her: Yeah, I figured you'd be all excited about that one.
Me: Comic books. Jessica Alba.
Her: I know.
Me: She plays a stripper.
Her: I know.
Me: I'm all warm inside.
Her: I just don't get it.
Me: Jessica Alba?
Her: Yeah.
Me: You don't think she's hot.
Her: No. Not at all.
Me: You're clearly insane.
Her: I just don't think she's hot. She's too skinny.
Me: Oh, sure. And her boobs are too big too. She's hideous.
Her: I've never liked her. I've never thought she was pretty.
Me: That's right. Remember when we saw Idle Hands together? I thought she was so hot then and I remember you didn't like her. Remember me saying then how hot she was? And now look at her! I was on board from the beginning. I should get a crack at her because I was first in line.
Her: I know. I remember.
Me: Have you seen the GQ with her on the cover.
Her: Yeah.
Me: And you don't think she's hot at all?
Her: No. Me: You've got problems
Her: I don't like her with blond hair.
Me: She has hair?
Her: Seriously, she's just not that pretty.
Me: You so craaaazy.
Her: Also, the holocaust never happened.
1 tag
New column →
New column up at Harlan Daily. It’s about dreams and not getting shot by the crazy parts delivery guy.
men's weekend virginia 2005
Men’s Weekend 2005 is but a memory. A very hazy, non-descript memory. Here are the highlites as I see it:
-P.Dirty got an application to work at a Subway in Hurrican, WV.
-The fine men and women of the Virginia Department of Roads are my new heroes.
-That one jackass who works for the Maryland Department of Roads is my new mortal enemy.
-Peruvian moonshine is basically just tequila in a...
men's weekend virginia is here
In a little less than 9 hours, B.P Gonzizzle, P.Dirty, and I leave for Men’s Weekend. I have been instructed to bring:
-Pillows
-Blankets
-Towells
-Warm clothes
-A Snake Bite Kit
-$20.00 for poker
-One prescription birth control pill
-A rubber spatula
-Six small-to-medium Tupperware containers
-$2000.00 in small bills
-A Bible
-The Koran
-A blank vidoe tape
-Baby Powder
-A...
goodnight two keys
For a year and a half of my life, I used to go to a bar called Two Keys every Tuesday night. I would go and hang out with my friend Leo while he hosted a comedy show and did live broadcast for the radio station he worked for. We would eat dinner, have a few beers, and watch the comedians. After a while, I invited B.P. Gonzizzle to join us. From there, we invited another friend of ours, AdSprad....
new truck
Everything went fine at the bank, and so, as of today I’m the official owner of a truck.
It’s a 1998 Dodge Ram 1500. It’s the exact make and model that my dad drives - which is filling me with an unexpected feeling of pride. The color isn’t what I would have picked myself, but the price was right. I’m gonna take off all the stupid sunvisors and bugshields the...
nicholas
I’ve told this story to everyone I’ve talked to this weekend: Saturday night I was having dinner in a restaraunt with my parents, my brother, his wife, and my nephews. My nephew, Nicholas, is 2 years old. He was sitting on my lap at one point and my cell phone rang. My cell phone was in my pocket and set to vibrate. He starts going, “Wheeeeeeeeoooooohooohooohooo” and gets...
goodnight...
My first car was a Chevy Beretta. It was a nice enough car, but we never really cared for each other. Our relationship was pretty perfuctory. I was 16 and needed a car - it was a car and needed a driver. There was no passion. No love. Just routine driving. Eventually we parted ways, amiably.
I got my next car when I was a sophomore in college. It was a Ford Explorer. I can remember driving it to...
patrick's 32nd birthday extravaganza
I just sent out invitations to my birthday party. If you didn’t get one, it’s obviously because you’re not important to me. Just kidding. If you didn’t get one then it’s obviously an oversight or some problem with your email. Consider reading this, your invitation - even if I don’t know you. We’ll be at Kitty O’Shea’s on March 19th from 9:00...
men's weekend virginia
Men’s Weekend is one week away. On Friday of next week, B.P. Gonzizzle, P.Dirty, and I will be loading into a van we’re borrowing from the Connie’s and roadtripping our way into the wilds of Maryland for a weekend of testosterone and beer. Connie Sue said I had to drive, though, because she heard that B.P had to go to driving school recently and that P.Dirty still drives on the...
stupid new years fiction - revisited
Originally posted on January 3, 2005
She didn’t slam it but, for some reason, when Michelle closed her bedroom door it seemed to echoe throughout her apartment. You didn’t like the sound.
You liked even less the sound of her yelping like an injured sea-lion while some guy named Chris screwed her so hard you thought she might get brain damage.
This was not the best New Years Eve...
how about a girl - revisited
Originally posted on February 8, 2004
I have a request to make.
How about a girl that’ll wink at me?
And will swim naked?
And will take the cigarette out of my mouth and take a drag?
And laughs with her eyes?
And has a dirty mind?
And dances when nobody’s looking?
And when people are looking?
And likes the taste of liquor?
And sometimes tastel like liquor?
And writes on...
implants revisited
Before I deleted my old blog, I went through and made copies of different pieces because I thought the world would be poorer for their absence. Periodically, I’ll be reposting some of those pieces here on the new blog. Let’s hold hands and walk down memory lane together…
Why I Got Rid of My Breast Implants
I’ve had a lot of questions on this subject, so I just thought...